Oniisama E: Indignity
by Sombereyes
Summary: Letters still hurt to read, and memories don't ever fade. Still, as long as they remember her together, that's all that matters. -Take's place after the anime. Fukiko/Nanako pairing. One Shot.-


A/N: You know, it's funny. I just finished this series, and you'd think there would be a section for it on the FFN, but sadly it isn't so here I am, posing it in the Misc. Such a beautiful, and touching series that it is. Honestly, I hope to do it some measure of justice. The ending, while good in it's own way, really gave me a pang, because even though I know fully well that this isn't as possible as I hoped it would be, I also know that in a slim chance, it could.

I don't own Oniisama E...

* * *

**Indignity**

Brother...

My dearest older brother, you've found happiness, and I'm happy that you have. May this letter find you well, as you raise your new baby. My cause for my writing is simple, and yet, it lacks what I feel to be conviction. I'd always thought that I would truly fall in love with a man, and, my dearest brother, I'd hoped that man would be the type to protect me, always. I'd always given thought to the type of person I would meet, and just who he would be. Childlike dreams are a distraction, and I always craved it so.

Still, a person can not always dream, now can they? I'm unsure of that, even now. I'd like to. Perhaps I should. Then again, it might not be the best idea. As you can see, conflict ails me, even now. I fear, my youthful days have shaped me more than I ever considered possible. I don't know why exactly, I feel that way, only that I do. I guess scars don't heal as easily as we may think. Well, is that the young woman in me saying that, or am I being difficult?

There's always this scent in the back of my mind...and, whenever I think about that...I remember things that I probably shouldn't.

Considering this, I came to the conclusion that the first person I ever truly admired, the only one I'd ever felt something breathtaking for, is the one person who I can't reach. I noticed it the day you left, that faint scent of smoke...one that could never compare. It was then I realized, no matter what I do, I can never love any man. I hope this doesn't sadden you, because it lingers within me, a truth. Nothing more than a truth. It isn't sad, so don't become worried and call someone. Don't bother our father over it. Papa shouldn't be troubled over my heart, because it isn't broken.

I'm not making much sense, am I?

I'm sorry, brother. I'll try to make things clear. I know I can't love a man. There's something in their eyes, that remind me of her...the woman I loved...I see my past reflected in them, in everyone who is so much like the person I can't have. Her death was troublesome, and very painful, but Lady Saint-Just will forever be just a fond memory. I know I need someone who can understand that. I want to be able to look into a person's eyes, and see something else, something that's not the same...and, with hesitancy, I am writing you to say that I think I've found it.

I'm in love, my dearest brother...but that love is with a woman.

She can accept that I am not perfect, and that I am not always the wisest of people. She can see me, into me and through me, because we both have that shared past. She's just a little more torn up about it, and her heart is still in a state of ill-repair. I hope not to mend the wound, but, to perhaps a build a bridge that I may walk across. We share the same pain. A sadness so deep, and yet wonderful, that we can understand the need to move on, and yet...I think she too, is just a little afraid of letting go. That's why, I hope it will be enough.

That this will reach you with the hopes and dreams of acceptance. Life is a fragility, but I'm sure you know that well. So, my brother, I hope you can take in all that you've read. Accept it, please. Allow me this hope, to truly be alright with whatever future lays before me. I understand it will not be easy. Pain is not something that is thwarted by such a solution. I am prepared to become awash in slander, and riddled with hate, so long as I can find solace.

You're dutiful pen pal and sister,

Nanako.

P.S. Tell Karou to phone me every once in a while. I know it's expensive, but I can endure the cost, if only to hear her voice. Out of everyone I know, I need her blessing the most. Even though she won't admit it, I know that Fukiko feels the same. So please, have Karou-

It was inevitable that the clock on the wall would chime nearly midnight.

It was also true, that at such a time, any ideal of peaceful solitude would be broken by the need to have another near by. "Nanako, it's late." It came as no surprise that it happened as soon as the clock stopped singing. "Retire for the evening with me." Her voice was subtle. A gentleness that was both cruel and unwavering. "You should leave that for the morning anyway." The woman was one that knew only severity. "Toying around with these trivial actions, a pen and paper does nothing to solve any problem in this world." In fact, she hated the mere conjecture that a letter brought. Only doom could be gifted from such a thing.

With a sigh, Nanako turned to the woman who was already in her nightgown. She was busy pulling the drapes shut to close out the world, and because of that, she didn't see the tiny frown on Nanako's face. "You have your hobbies, and I have mine. " She replied, though she put the pen down anyway. "Besides, even if you don't like it, I won't stop sending him letters."

"I've let that go." The woman told her, turning to face her secret lover once again. "Your communication with him doesn't bother me." Her eyes fell to the yellow note, with lines full of words. She lifted the envelope. "This does." Fukiko told Nanako with a soft sigh. "This is so maddening, and you know it."

"It's alright." She pulled away everything that gave the woman before her a deep pang that couldn't be quelled. She hid the items away in the desk, and then looked up to meet those deep eyes that shimmered with things that would never be uttered between them. "I know that you can't be free willed, but, please try not to worry so much about these things. As you say, they're trivial matters."

"They're important to you." That was the start of it, the downward spiral that she couldn't accept. Green eyes were not those of envy, but instead of regret. Things she could not change became apparent in her eyes, and with a harsh sigh from her lips, she forced herself to put on that face that Rei so loved. She knew it would constrict painfully around the room, but yet even so, as much as she shared with Nanako, she could not gift her that one thing. "You give letters value that I can't. Don't you understand, Nanako, no matter what I do, I can not forgive Rei what she did, that letter was a finality to me."

"The train station is one for me, and yet, I must still commute every day." Nanako told her. "I can't just not go to class, I can't just lock myself away, even when I want to do it the most." She could see it. That horrific smile. She hated to see such a thing. "I'd give anything to see you cry. Just once, well and truly cry."

Tears were indeed spilling down her cheek, but, there were no sobs. At least, not ones that could kiss the air. "Only for Rei." Fukiko's words were hard to hear. "I only ever lost my composure for Rei."

"Even that day in the apartment." Nanako agreed. "While I lost everything to the pain in my heart, you held me gently." She could only look down at the floor. "Even now, and the time we share, you're withdrawn. When you kiss me...even when we make love, you don't allow yourself to truly feel anything, do you?" Standing she stepped forward, cupping that soft, perfect cheek that could tint such a beautiful color. "Would Rei really be so selfish, even if I was the only one to see?"

"That I do not know." Fukiko admitted. "I have no way of knowing, and I wish that I did." The hand on her cheek was warm, and she let her eyes slip shut, masking what she knew was a heartfelt wish to see what she dared not let come forth. Instead, painful though it was, she backed away from that warm, gentle hand. "However Nanako, despite that, I do not regret sharing a life with you. Even if I am uncertain of what Rei would approve of...I'm even less curtain that she would wish me to be with any man." With a sigh, she opened her eyes again, and her voice wavered just a tiny bit. "Rei loved you, even if we do not know how, or even why...she cared a great deal for you, so..." She couldn't say it, all she could do was look away, her reply dead in the air.

"When you do things like this...it used to upset her so much." Nanako's honesty was a knife. "Now, I'm starting to understand why." She wanted it to cut through the air, haphazard though that wish might have been. "Lady Sant-Just was selfish, but she wasn't mean spirited." They would never know if that answer would ever be enough, and even so, Nanako couldn't help herself from crossing the gap yet again, trying to burst down a wall, wondering why on earth she even tried to reach angels. "Sometimes, I truly believe your heart died along with her."

"If that's the case, and it could be, I won't deny it." She felt the hand on her shoulder, warm and inviting. "If it is the case, then why even amuse these rendezvous of ours?" She knew if she turned around, she would face down a woman who so easily expressed everything across her face. Her feelings needed no mask, and though it was delightful on some occasions, there were others that taunted her. Nanako was very much willful, like Rei. She was willing to break down, to dry, whenever her heart was pulled. Less withdrawn perhaps, and not nearly as damaged as Rei had been, yet even so, Fukiko knew the truth. "You know my grip on things that I care about are like a vice...one I can not break. Truly, it is sadistic...and yet, though I know this, I do not change my ways."

"I don't mind that." It was all Nanako could think of to say. "I knew, even back then, she was not the only angel of death." She gently turned Fukiko to face her, and looked up into those shimming green eyes. She knew it was likely the only tidbit she'd ever see, and yet, for whatever reason, it was enough. "Fukiko, I'm not ever going to be good enough to replace her...I don't want you to replace her either...she belongs where she is in our hearts." Everything she'd wanted to say, but had kept locked up tightly, was starting to unravel. "Still, if you can accept me, and all that I am, I can do the same for you...even if this is all that I'll ever get to see."

"Within that, Nanako, I don't know who has truly suffered the most." With an unwavering sense of acknowledgment, she put her hands on Nanako's shoulders, and then leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. The mere idea bothered her. She didn't want the pain anymore, she tried to push beyond it, but it screamed in her mind. She forced herself to silence her rampaging thoughts, kissing Nanako deeply on the lips. It was a game, and yet, a trial and error she made.

A grave one, when she assumed that two women could fall in love...she had thought that about her sister, an even more hellish ideal cast into flames by Rei's death.

Still, to kiss Nanako as she was doing now, was a lewdness she'd never before allowed herself. Without the help of some courage found in the form of pills, or sweet wine made Fukiko realize that she was starting to forget why Rei had done those things. Why she smoked, drank, and chewed those damnable little caplets all day and well into the night. It was to forget, to cope, and to dull the pain...the rich, luscious pain of crimson truth. It was so that she could bear her scar, and numb the throb in her aching heart...a need that only one person could have quelled...and Fukiko had known that refusing it would lead to destruction. Being the eldest sister she needed to be, she refused herself of the desire.

Still, sinful as it would have been, it might have saved Rei from all of her suffering.

Knowing now the truth of that, Fukiko wouldn't lose another thing that was hers...another important feeling that would only be hers, as long as she so protected it. This was a bearable, sweet pain, and Nanako's tongue danced with hers in a way that made life tolerable, and in some instances, even enjoyable. Her constant letters kept Rei alive, at least in some way...and the mutual love they shared for her went beyond just being a fan of an unruly, eccentric girl. Their love was a truly genuine one...and that reminder is what set the flames alight.

She pulled away from the kiss, and Nanako's fingers untangled themselves from curly locks. There was a softness that Rei would never have...that no one could ever possibly own. An understanding, a welcomed anticipation. "Can you do this without influence?" It was a hopeful question, but she didn't know what brought it on. "Can you allow yourself to do that?"

"Without Rei's memory..." Nanako murmured, feeling the heavy weight settle over her. "Yes, I can." This was not a frolic brought on by an excuse.

With a nod, Fukiko took Nanako by the hand, and away from the guest room where they normally fell victim to whatever it was they decided to partake from. Nanako favored wine, while Fukiko favored the same pills Rei took by the bunches. Tonight, however, the drawer stayed closed, and the next thing they knew, they were traveling down the long hallway in Fukiko's large home. they stopped at a door. The tall woman opened it, ushering Nanako inside, shutting and locking the door behind her. It was the bedroom she claimed now that she was an adult.

As she turned down the lights, she couldn't help but partake of the way Nanako seemed to be set aglow by the dull moonlight. Shyly, and full of apprehension she didn't often allow herself to show plainly, Fukiko worried her lip. "I've decided." Untying the thin strip of silk that was tied into a bow, she proceeded to unsnap the neckline of her nightgown. "I think Rei would be very upset, if she saw this." Fukiko offered then. "However, she can't be here...I'd like to think, somewhere she's laughing...when she's done, she'll turn her back and walk away..."

The reminder wasn't at all soothing. The fact that another woman lingered in their hearts was something that they both inwardly hated, and yet, so loved about each other. It would be no contest who Rei would have chosen. In that, it was also no use in letting that truth hinder either of them now. That's exactly what Rei's memory was, a way to hold them back, a way for them to lose themselves, and perhaps end their own suffering. What had once been the sharpest pain in the world, was now a dull and never ending ache. They could move on from it, but allowing that to happen seemed so wrong somehow. Doing this was easier. Falling in love with a rival was a scapegoat they'd readily cling to.

On this night, like all nights, the desperate plea of a woman's memory lingered within the depths of their mind. No kiss could have been sweeter. No sadness more endearing. Admittance to that came at the only price either of then could bear to take...it was all they could afford. Tangled within the sheets, soft murmurs and kind words would never be enough. Off in the distance, as if it were an echo, they could almost hear her taunting them with everything she had.

Their requiem was justified, a soul stirring song, it just so happened to be together that they chose to sing.


End file.
